"The Heart Of The New Thought"

BAD Tuesday.

oh how things can change in a split second. Here I am One day on… Not happy. Let down. Disappointed. Confused. Anxious. Undecided. Sad.

Why the fuck do people lie.

small lies,

big lies,

its all the same,

Its all FUCKING LYING!

:(

you say 21, i believe 21. Its called trust. What is wrong with people!?

FUCKING DOING IT!

Life is moving so so fast (which i seem to say in every post)… My Jacob is now 3, I am now living back home, well not home, but Lancaster home. It is so good to be back, i feel at ease once again. I have stopped excessive drinking and partying (which is a good thing most the time!); instead I have found myself a lovely young toyboy and have started back at uni, life planning! :) 

This boy is called Gavin, I could never have seen myself with a Gavin, and yea he is a bit of a chav, but I think the chav is what i have had missing all this time! He is amazing at everything. He is lovely. He is fit. He has a ‘real life’ ambition. I never thought I’d start to think like that; but the security, and the normal way of life is more and more tempting to join as time goes on. He treats me like a princess, we went on holiday. He paid for everything. He did everything. As much as I am an ‘independent woman’ it was bloody FANTASTIC! like a dream come true! And on top of all this, he loves me!!!!!!!!!! Its just Brilliant! :)

I LOVE HIM. A LOT. 

I have also become a student again. I am studying Arts Health MA. Its hard. It challenges every thought process I have ever had, and is also FORCING, yes forcing me to overcome so many of my fears! Its scary but im doing it.

I can do it. I will do it. in fact, do you know what, I AM FUCKING DOING IT!

Realisation = a smack in the face

This week, well this month has been a major smack in the face where realisation is concerned! I finished university at the end of May, had a fab show at the beggining of June, and then waited eagerly for my results. ‘All worth it’ they said, as I came out with a FIRST!! I was sooooo happy! What more could I want right?! Well, it seems things are’nt as black and white as that. What does this first mean for me now? Nothing!! I feel like it was all a bit of a waste of time. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I feel without purpose. And worst of all, I feel fuckin NORMAL! Is this what life is really all about?? if it is, it is total shit! A bloody waste of time.

But, anyway, on a positive note, I rusfuse to let it all get me down, I refuse to be sucked in by all of it. And THE HEART OF THE NEW THOUGHT is going to help me! And being back online to report, even if it is just to myself, will help me along.

Good luck me!

Think positive and positive thinsg wil happen right!? we will see. :)

The Heart of the New Thought…

…real or not???

well, Ive really lost track of this thought process, I have really tried but grew tired, and quite bored, or too busy, not sure whih really.. but quite frankly i do think its all shit!

HOWEVER….I’m not going to put all blame on the wise words of Ella Wheeler though, i think if the right times had been given, i would most definatley have had some benefits from joining this kind of; what i can only describe as a really bad, deceptively nice but really quite scary CULT!!!!

I think one day I could easily get sucked in though, and I do kind of hope it might be soon.. I think it migth do me and my lfe some real good!

Invincibility

Today I’ve been reading ‘Invincibility’.

I dont think its real.